the secret life of a good girl

minimonkeybang @ 2008-09-01T17:26:00

2008-09-01T16:32:38Z

I'm feeling really nervous...Matt is in theatre having his op, right now. I went back up to the hospital to see him earlier and they said it'd just missed him by 10mins before in went in and I feel so annoyed with myself that we didn't see each other just before he went in. I'm sure all will be fine and go well, have got fingers and toes crossed and hope he wont be feeling to crappy when he comes round.
They said he should be out of theatre at about 6:30pm, so will ring then. Oh, I love him so much and just want my man back in one piece! I miss him already and know the next 4 days while he's in hospital are gonna be hard but so worth it to get him all better again.
I'm sending him lots of telepathetic get well thoughts and fairy dust! xxxxxx

OMG...I passed!

2008-08-27T13:34:01Z

WOO HOO! I did it, i passed my assessment day to become a prison officer! Now all I have to do is get through the security vetting and I'm in! I'm so excited i can't believe it.
Feeling much better today in general. My last entry was really depressing but it was because firstly i was on my period which always makes me very cynical and thoughtful and also Matt had been really tired and stressed as getting nearer to his op, which meant it was getting taken out on me a bit.
But I much prefer being happy and optimistic and I like living life that way...so that is what ill do!!

minimonkeybang @ 2008-08-23T16:54:00

2008-08-23T16:13:54Z

had my assessment day yesterday to become a prison officer, i think it went ok, now i just have fingers and toes crossed as i so badly want to get the job. It is something i have always wanted to do and i would be so proud of myself if i got it, they said that it will take up to 4 days to find out if i have passed.
Feeling rubbish though as i am coming to realise that as much as i love matt and know that behind all the front he has a really good heart, sometimes i wonder wether the combination of him not wanting to deal with anything and the damage his past has done to him means that i will never have the true matt that i fell in love with again and that i'm always going to have to deal with all the crap that he throws at me and to be honest at times i don't know how much more i can handle of it. I love him so so much, and there are times when he can be so lovely, sweet and tender with me and he makes me so laugh but then there are the other times when he is thoughtless, sarcastic, picky, mean, rude and selfish towards me and i truely do not deserve that. I am so good to him, and I never mean or nasty towards him, i always put him and harry first and all i get back is it thrown in my face, it is like he wants me to feel like crap because he does, he takes everything out on me and rather than letting me help, he just shuts off even more.
I want to spend my life to him but i need him to change, i need him to deal with stuff, to stop being so negative and nasty, i need him to put us first for once and actually show me that he is committed to us...otherwise to be honest i don't see how this can work as all he is doing at the moment is pushing me away and making me want to punch him!
oh, i don't know, i am so fed up and don't know what to do...things could be so great...

minimonkeybang @ 2008-08-01T12:45:00

2008-08-01T11:47:03Z

We've just found out that Matt has thyroid cancer, I don't know what to do...I feel numb and too sad to even cry.

minimonkeybang @ 2008-07-21T08:40:00

2008-07-21T08:15:47Z

it's been a few days since I last posted as have been busy with Harry's birthday. It went really well though, he got so spoilt bless him, everyone got him such lovely pressies. The birthday meal at F+B's went great, everybody had a brilliant time and they all loved the cake that i made so feeling pretty pleased with myself about that...even Matt's mum complimented me on the cake and then commented on how much weight i've lost!!! (god knows what's happened to her, maybe she's had a labotomy or something! he he!)
I had work on fri night, which was really stressful as one of my residence admitted that she'd been part of a trio of girls who had robbed 2 other girls at knife point in broad day light, so I sadly had to call the police on her. It was horrid as I feel like such a snitch but at the same time, she had no remorse and was even bragging a bit, and she has to learn a lesson at some point. But I still didn't like doing it.
On sat after having a little sleep after work, me, matt and harry went out for lunch with his family his neice Isla's birthday. It was went fine, Matt's mum wanted a family photo done afterwards, I offered to take the pic and she actually said no and that she wanted me in the photo! (OMG, I've been accepted as one of the family - ha ha!) In the evening we went to our friends wedding, it was nice to see people but the wedding in general was a bit boring! I felt pretty good though as loads of people kept on telling me that i looked stunning and had lost loads of weight! whoop, whoop.
Sunday, we went out to lunch with my parents as my Mum was going to the airport straight after to go to Seattle for the week for work. Lunch was lush apart from that I had leek and potato soup for starter which was so tasty but it made me really sick, I don't whether it is because I haven't eaten starchy carbs and dairy for so long now that my body just rejected it? weird. As although I have had the occasional b/p, it's every couple of weeks now which is so much better than it was and the carbs etc never spent long enough in my body for it to be able to actually react!!
I feel much more in control of my food at the mo with not eating wheat, rice, white pots or diary and I feel so much better in general for it. I'm still eating lentils, beans and lots of veg etc so am still getting carbs but just in general it is def helping me not to binge by being in control like this.
right off to do some shopping now!

Harry's first birthday:

minimonkeybang @ 2008-07-16T23:42:00

2008-07-16T22:54:32Z

I'm sat here at work and just looked at the time and realised that this time a year ago my contractions had just started! Can't believe that was a whole year ago!! Still feels weird at times to think of myself as a mum as I still feel like I'm about 16 in my head, not turning 28 next week.
At times it feels like life is just rushing past, it would be nice for it to slow down a bit at times so that i could just 'stop to smell the roses!' as the saying goes but most of the time i don't even feel like i get a minute to think let alone anything else.
I took the kids at work to kickboxing tonight, this is the 3rd week of doing it and as much as they all complain they love it at the same time and I get to do an hr or so lesson with a wicked instructor! I get so into the lessons and it always reminds me how much i miss doing my kickboxing and exercise in general, i just never seem to have anytime to fit it in and it drives me nuts!
So excited about Harry's birthday tomorrow, Matt is taking the afternoon off and then early eve we're having a mini party for him at frankie+benny's restaurant, I'm really looking forward to it, only thing is now Matt's mum is coming too which means that my parents and her are finally going to meet!! ah dread! She's is just such a dull and miserable person and nothing like my family at all, I know i'm always whinging about it, but I really do wish she wasn't Harry's gran!!
On a happier note...have lost a few more pounds and one of my best mates charlie commented the other day that I'd lost so much weight now and am looking getting to look all mini again! whoop whoop! Hearing her say that felt so good and reminded me just how much i used to love it when people would comment on how slim i was! I'm getting back there, yay!

minimonkeybang @ 2008-07-14T21:33:00

2008-07-14T20:42:46Z

woo woo! am feeling amazingly chuffed with myself right now, I made Harry's birthday cake today (his first birthday is on thurs 17th) and it turned out great. I made him a thomas the tank engine cake and is actually looks like it. The cake in side is vanilla sponge with smarties!! Wished Matt had made a nice comment about it rather than just saying as I was making it "why didn't you just got one from Asda?" god he can be miserable at times!
Apart from that had a good day but busy, don't feel like i've stopped for a minute! Harry had been a little cutie today and gets more fun by the day.
Meet up with my friend charlie for lunch which was lush, haven't seen her for a couple of weeks so good to catch up, we were talking about Harry's christening and she's getting excited about her godmotherly duties! She's so good with Harry, bless her.
Think i may just go to bed now as need to chill and have been rushing round like a headless chicken!

The cake!

minimonkeybang @ 2008-07-07T23:34:00

2008-07-07T22:44:50Z

Well here i am at work again! God how I would like to be tucked up in bed fast asleep right now...i'm exhausted!
Had an ok day, went to the docs this morning, got to see Dr Maitland-Ward, my usual one and talked to her about being tested for ADHD, and I was so happy as she actually took me seriously and is going to refer me to someone to be tested! woohoo! I know it probably sounds silly to be so excited about this but it's just such a nice thought to actually be getting things sorted.
Met up with my Mum today too and she bought me a load of storage stuff for the house, so this evening before I went to work I sorted out the spare room and put everything in boxes, it was so satisfying getting it all tidy...I am needing control in my life at the moment and tidying is definately helping me feel more in control.
Harry still hasn't been feeling very well today, bless him and so has been quite wingey, not eating properly etc and i get so frustrated as he gets over tired and then I get irritated and then feel bad so feeling irritated. I hate feeling annoyed at him as he's my gorgeous baby boy and I just want to enjoy every second with him and i know every parent gets frustrated at times, but I just feel bad when i do. My Mum is taking Harry to tumbletots tomorrow so that I can get some sleep in the morning after work, I hope I manage to sleep as then I can do something fun with Harry in the afternoon...he is such a cutie and is developing so quickly, he just amazes me!
I heard today too that my lovely friend Emilie is having a baby boy! Yay, I'm so pleased for her and am sure she will make a fantastic Mummy, bless her.
xx

just one wish...

2008-07-04T19:22:26Z

If i could have just one wish now it would be to have the intimacy, passion, romance and commitment back in mine and Matt's relationship, I love him so much and I just need to feel like we're on the same page and working to towards a loving and commited future with one another...i know we can have such a good future together, I just wish Matt would show me and tell me he loves me and wants me like he used too.
I just wish I could break his barriers down again and open his heart like i once did...I miss the way he used to touch me, love me, talk to me...like I was all he needed and wanted in a partner for life.
I wish I could find the way to get all this back so that we can really have a good relationship and life together...i wish this all comes true.

minimonkeybang @ 2008-06-19T11:17:00

2008-06-19T10:26:21Z

Matt took me out to dinner last night as it was the 18th (our mini anniversary), it was really quite as I was feeling a bit low in the morning as he just didn't seem himself and was a bit distant and also because of the date and I though he had forgotten again...and I miss romance.
But then he text me saying Happy anniversary and sorry as he though it was the 17th! just as I sent him a text back he rang me to say had I got his and he wanted to make sure I was ok, bless him and then asked if I wanted to go out to dinner...maybe he hasn't totally forgotten how to be romantic!!
We went to Fabios which was lush, we had a really nice time.
Went to Asda this morning and got some bits for Harry's birthday party and a thomas book for him.
Got lots I should do today but I feeling really tired, think I might go make some food (healthy) and then do some painting with Harry when he wakes from his nap.
Gotta get back on the health wagon again, as been so good lately and then after weeks of being good I had a mini b/p yesterday on carby sugary stuff that i'd been craving. - silly of me really though as that kind of food makes me feel like shit!
Need to start exercising again...
Really hope I get that new night support job...but interview was 3 days ago and still heard nothing so don't know...fingers crossed.

Gonna try to keep track of my food!

2008-05-16T12:28:51Z

So I am on my 2nd week of low carb/high protein and I think I am gonna try and keep track of my food a bit more. My first week went well, lost 5lbs so on the right track and I feel so much better for it, although am seriously missing sugar and although am not missing carb, i am missing variety in my diet.
Only 2 weeks till Ju's wedding now, so am really hoping I can lose about 9lbs before then so that it'll be a stone in totaly and then I will only have 1.5st to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight! whoop whoop and then I can wear my old jeans! (very exciting)
am knackered today as need more sleep before working again tonight. In need of some more lovin at the mo too, although Matt has been ok...just need to be made to feel good about myself rather than that I do everything wrong. But hey, keep wishing and hoping!
Breakfast: 2 no carb onion bahjis
small lump of cheese
Lunch: Chicken+pancetta in a stillon and mushroom sauce.
Thin slice of cheese

i want...

2008-04-23T10:30:01Z

I don't want much in life...yes, it's true that in an ideal world if i had a magic wand then i would have lots of money, travel the world, have the body i dream of etc etc but at the end of the day part of the reason i think i would want that superficial stuff is to just add to the life long search of what i'm really searching for...as actually all I really want is to be happy, when i say happy I mean REAL HAPPINESS, the kind of happiness that when you wake up in the morning the first thing you do is roll over and smile to yourself because you have that feeling inside you of warmth, security, love, contentment...that knowing feeling that even though you might not have all the money in the world or the perfect body or the best house...you have a person by yourside who loves you for being you, who thinks your sexy and beautiful even when you have no makeup on, who understands your needs and wants to fullfil them...the knowledge that you do a job that you enjoy and that you look forward to going to each day...that you have family and friends around you that you feel comfortable with and who make you feel good about yourself...that you have a body that you are content enough with that you can look in the mirror and smile to yourself and think to yourself "yea, i may not be perfect but i feel good and i like myself!"
I want to surround myself with happy people...people who want the best out of life...people who like to see good in other.
I want to rid myself of negativity...I want to feel positivity running through my mind and body and i want to truely smile inside and out...I don't want to smile just because i feel i should or because i'm afraid to let others see my worry and pain on the inside but because i truely am happy.
This is my mission in life...
I would rather spend my life having this simple contentment and happiness and working on being positive and being the real me rather than spending my life wrapped up in my ED, feeling like i have to achieve the impossible and the perfection that is unachievable...
I just want to do the things that I choose to do and the things make me feel good and learn to say no and learn that sometimes by saying no and doing want make me happy that actually makes the other person happy too...as to be happy and make others happy, you have to do want is right for you as a person, not just want you think they want...
At the end of the day...I have to be happy in myself and sometimes to do that you have to change things in your life and be strong...even if it does upset others or seem difficult...i want to look after myself.

Rain rain go away!

2008-03-28T10:48:46Z

Damn this british weather! It was a nice day yesterday and yet today it just wont stop raining and it is totally grey outside...poo! On a plus side though, have managed to book last minute holiday for sunday from work as really need a bit of a break to sleep and look after harry. So am gonna work sat night, and then take off sun, thurs and fri and then am working overtime on mon and then later on in the month too, make up a bit of money!
Back to the rain though...as much as i do strangely like rain, it also makes her horribly lathargic, and as I also feel really achy it is making it impossible to motivate myself to actually do exercise, i just want to sit and watch movies! (and eat lots, damn it!)
Luckily my weight is back down again from the beginning of the week, thank god...that really made me feel rubbish...plus am very happy as have manage to order some more of my slimming pills! whoop whoop! as have found my paypal password! yay!
I now have 1st - 1.5st to lose before the end of may, which fingers crossed i should be able to do. I will try my hardest, as i really do want to look good for Jules' wedding and then also we are going on hol in June, so want to feel ok wearing a bikini again!
But if i can manage to lose the 1.5st by the hol then i will feel loads better about. God i wish i was skinny or motivated to exercise or remembered how i used to have the ability to restrict so well.
God i miss smoking, i know it's good that i don't anymore but I really miss it, cigarettes helped me in so many ways!!
Anyway, thought i would at some pics to my journal...just cause...i can!

My little Harry in his smart outfit!         Me looking tired! (god i hate my big nose!)


Me and Matt on holiday.                    Father and son! - awww!


Me and my cousin Livy.                                                                    Ha ha! Matt+I very drunk and me with a double chin!!

Right then, will write more later but TTFN! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

binge list - oops!

2008-03-26T14:20:16Z

ok, so didn't quite manage the no b/p thing, damnit...so ended up eating this:

1 .5 onion bahaji - 130cal
1 slice of thick white bread with cheese+red onion relish - 280cal
3 veggie sausage rolls - 460cal
1 packet of supernoodles - 320cal
1 skinny cow choc ice lolly - 90cal
7 cadbury's fingers - 210cal
1 bag of quavers - 84cal
1 weightwatchers frozen pudding - 200cal
1 echo bar - 134cal
2 no bake choc cake slices - 400cal

Big binge, but by no means the worst! total binge cals: 2304

off to purge now...hope all comes up!

posting

2008-03-12T10:02:13Z

Oh my! I really have been shit at posting to my journal...this was meant to be my space to be able to vent about my bulimia, my life etc and i was hoping it might even help me recover as i hoped it could be somewhere that i could discuss my feeling openly without feeling like i'm offending anyone, but i have just looked at my jounal and realised how shit i have actually been about writing in it, and the stuff that i have written so have has been pretty lame!
But that seems to be the story of my life at the moment, i have so many good intentions and then nothing ever seems to get done...for example, right now i'm sitting here under a duvet writing this and watching MTV while my little boy Harry has a nap, but in my head, i'm thinking to myself...while Harry is asleep I really should be:
1. exercising
2. tidying the house
3. doing the baking that I promised i would do
4. sort the recycling
5. make my friends pressie

Goddamn it, why can i not just get off the sofa and get my arse moving...WTF!

Also am gonna try and have a normal day of eating today...I am gonna try to have a day of being b/p free...I'm saying for 1 day at a time as don't want to be disappoint if i don't make it more than that but at the sametime, if I can make it longer that that then i will be proud of myself!
Really need to weight myself too, but am terrified to actually stand on the scales in case it has gone up, i feel like i still have so much weight to lose to get rid of this baby weight and get back to what I was...and even when i get to that I still have another 1.5st to lose after that to get to my target weight....
Goddamit....why can't i just be normal, eat like a normal person, exercise like a normal person and lose weight...grrrrr!

On another note of the whole normal thing....i love my boyfriend so very very much and really do want to be with him forever...but at times i so wish he could just be a bit more sensitive towards more and more like he used to be...i get so depressed and fed up about it at times, and no matter how many times i take to him about it, it still never seems to chance...

oh universe...please listen to me and help me have my matt back who was passionate, loving, attentive, emotional, caring etc etc...please help!

blah, blah, blah!

2008-03-05T15:02:42Z

So I got my slimming pills on saturday! whoop whoop! and after 4 days of taking them my weight is going day - yay! and I have also been b/p free for 4 days...but even those I'm not as hungry because of the pills I'm really missing my binges, and i know that sounds bad but I just keep dreaming of food all the time, i just wanna stuff my face full of gorgeous food and then go and purge my ass off!!! god i hate weight, food etc etc bleugh!
plus i really need to exercise and i can't be bothered, gotta do it though, gotta do it!
ARGH! need motivation...badly!

Will it ever end?

2008-02-27T11:51:09Z

So i've been bulimic for over 3 years now but suffered from disorded eating in one way or another for most of my teenage and adult life and I am so fed up with it....all I can ever think about is food...cooking it, eating it, looking at it, drooling at it, thinking about it...nothing feels quite as good as food does...and i hate that...i want something else to feel as amazing as food, but I need to be able to control it and have it whenever and wherever I want rather that someone or something else having the control.
I just want to be healthy and be my goal weight sensibly...I want to eat like a normal person, and stop eating when i'm full and only when i'm hungry and not eat my emotions and not be afraid or sad anymore.
Everyone in my life thinks that I have recovered, and I just feel like it's my dirty little secret that i can't get away from or tell anyone as they'll all be so disgusted and disappointed with me but my ED is getting worse not better and I don't know where to turn...I feel so lost and lonely...I just it all to stop...what happened to my life?